"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
07/27/2020 at 11:09 • Filed to: satire, Taketheoutsideline
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"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
07/27/2020 at 11:09 • Filed to: satire, Taketheoutsideline | 8
| 19 |
Not content to let Ford steal the limelight with their new Bronco announcement, General Motors CEO Mary Barra announced Monday morning that the Hummer brand would be resurrected earlier than planned in order to bring new H2 and H3 SUVs to the US market by the end of 2020.
The 2021 Hummer H2
“We looked at the strong sense of nostalgia across the market today,” Barra stated in a Detroit press conference, “And we concluded that many Young Millennial and Gen Z buyers would love to re-live the early 2000s again.”
Citing the period in which Hummer experienced its peak sales, the era was characterized by low fuel prices, affordable education, and the use of home equity to buy just about everything. Although Barra’s target market today were just children at the time, she firmly believes they would again like to ignore all negative economic indicators in the quest for material excess.
“These young adults now face an increasingly uncertain world, from the COVID pandemic to widespread racial justice issues,” Barra continued, “Nostalgic products can foster a sense of comfort matched only by a combination of biweekly therapy, heavy doses of benzodiazepines, and Netflix marathons under a weighted blanket.”
Although GM officially killed the Hummer brand in 2010 amid the Great Recession’s high unemployment and soaring fuel prices, it announced last year that Hummer would be resurrected as an all-electric brand in the near future. Although the electrification plan has faced its own delays, GM believes the new retro-inspired models will serve as a perfect interim strategy to rebuild the brand.
Barra continued by explaining that the new models would be stylistically based heavily on the original ones, with upgrades including aftermarket Bluetooth stereo head units, remote engine starters, and backup cameras mounted to the license plates. She insisted that production capacity would not be a bottleneck, but did not elaborate.
“Our timeline is based firmly on how much capacity Best Buy has, but we feel confident that the Geek Squad can help us deliver as promised,” Barra affirmed.
German quasi-military cars to help service American quasi-military trucks.
At press time, Derek Ritter, Head Electronics Installer at Best Buy #321 in Ann Arbor, Michigan, was seen taking a vape break on the loading dock in front of more than 20 Hummer H2 models awaiting upgrades.
More car-based satire here: !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!
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Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/27/2020 at 11:17 |
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Gas is so cheap right now that we can afford to postpone the electric SUV revolution. But the wagon revolution now. . .
UserNotFound
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/27/2020 at 11:40 |
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That’s gold, Jerry!
G
old!
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Ash78, voting early and often
> UserNotFound
07/27/2020 at 11:47 |
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“ Roundtine”
—Kenny Bani a
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ranwhenparked
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/27/2020 at 12:00 |
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The thing is, if GM had brought back the H2 and H3 before the depression, it actually would have worked. I'm convinced they could have sold every HUMMER they could build in 2018 and 2019. Now, though, they'd probably be in worse shape than 2008/2009.
Thomas Donohue
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/27/2020 at 12:17 |
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Overnight, prices of used H3's have tripled.
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Highlander-Datsuns are Forever
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/27/2020 at 12:23 |
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Dat Oldsmobile tho...
way2blu does a rev update
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/27/2020 at 15:26 |
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If real-life GM had the gusto and wanted to really show steps toward sustainability...
Launch a program to buy back existing gas-powered Hummers and retrofit them to be electric. “Can’t afford the new 1,000hp electric Hummer but also can’t afford to refill your H2’s gas tank?”
That’d be doubly awesome both for EV adoption and for cutting down on carbon emissions. And it’d also never ever happen at a company like GM.
PatBateman
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/27/2020 at 19:33 |
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I want mine in Chameleon Teal, blaring Nickleback.
SHARPSPEED
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/27/2020 at 23:39 |
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“ And we concluded that many Young Millennial and Gen Z buyers would love to re-live the early 2000s again.”
I get that this is all BS, but I would still rather die than go back to that dark era.
pip bip - choose Corrour
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/28/2020 at 07:30 |
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is best buy still going?
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Ash78, voting early and often
> SHARPSPEED
07/28/2020 at 09:10 |
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That’s exactly the joke...so I guess I’m glad I share the sentiment ;)
FYI I wont see your reply
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/28/2020 at 11:33 |
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This article is written as if it would be a bad thing if GM brought in an H3 to compete w Bronco & Wrangler. It would actually be brilliant. Not all of us live somewhere w perfectly paved roads free of potholes & riot debris, driving indistinguishable, bland Honda products, afterall.
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Ash78, voting early and often
> ranwhenparked
07/28/2020 at 13:24 |
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Absolutely a short-sighted business decision to kill the brand ...but at the time, it seemed pretty reasonable.
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ranwhenparked
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/28/2020 at 13:56 |
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At the time, HUMMER sales were in freefall, the H2 was aging, and oil prices were pretty high. GM didn’t have the resources to properly support all their brands before bankruptcy, and they certainly didn’t during bankruptcy. Plus, they weren’t paying their own way, the government was paying their bills, and when you control the funds, you get to call the shots, they were told to shed brands, and HUMMER was one that was pretty easy to part with.
They did recognize the value in it, if someone with deeper pockets could invest in new models and carry the losses until things turned around, which is why NGMCO kept it instead of leaving under Motors Liquidation, and why they only killed it after the sale to Sichuan Tengzhou fell through.
fhrblig
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/28/2020 at 14:22 |
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If there’s anyone who doubts that GM would do something like this, my response is
Steve in Manhattan
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/28/2020 at 16:14 |
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Had to look at the calendar ... NOT April 1st.
Ben
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/28/2020 at 22:17 |
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Y anking chains!
Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan'
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/29/2020 at 04:20 |
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As someone who isn’t in direct contact with the products and culture US car brands create (so judging by online videos, reviews and opinionated stuff), I get the feeling that GM is always one step behind, whether it comes to technology, styling or new product ideas. Other brands always seem to be first with an innovation, and then GM follows/copies with an equivalent
.
Mustang - Camaro
Scout - Bronco - K5
PT Cruiser - HHR
To name a few. I dunno maybe it’s too much of a blanket statement, but that’s the sentiment I pick up. Am I wrong here? Maybe this is just for Chevy. There definitely
were some innovations like
the Corvair, GNX... I dunno.
BadMotorScooter
> Ash78, voting early and often
07/29/2020 at 11:28 |
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Ha! funny read! I do think HUMMER as a sub brand under GMC makes sense. I’d love to see a Bronco/Wrangler competitor as a new H1 model. I wouldn’t even be mad if they dialed in some retro Blazer design cues.